


Joe Chinese

by Solomon_of_the_Xaos



Category: PaRappa the Rapper
Genre: Asexual Smut, Crack Relationships, Crack Treated Seriously, F/M, Fluff and Crack, I need sleep, Idiots in Love, M/M, This is cursed, himbo? more like himb-Joe amiright?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-03
Updated: 2021-03-03
Packaged: 2021-03-16 08:22:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,038
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29822121
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Solomon_of_the_Xaos/pseuds/Solomon_of_the_Xaos
Summary: Joe Chin and Colonel Noodle get to know each other. And nothing will ever be the same again.
Relationships: Joe Chin/Colonel Noodle, PaRappa Rappa/Sunny Funny
Kudos: 1





	Joe Chinese

Parappa, Katy, PJ and Sunny sat outside their favourite hangout place.

‘Thanks for moving the benches together Don!’ Parappa said to Don Donut the donut don, of Phat Donut.

‘Ey, no problem for my favourite customers, he said, eyeing PJ in particular, 

Colonel Noodle came walking up like a kid who'd just got back from the dentist looking for a place to sit in the school canteen. 

‘Hey guys, can I sit here?’ 

‘sure! No need to ask! ’ said Parappa.

‘Thanks, man.’

Noodle sat on the furthest end next to Parappa. For a moment all that could be heard was the light jostle of people on the street, the low autumn leaves dusting the pavement and the cawing of pigeons. 

‘So, how’d it go?’ Parappa asked,

‘hopefully my dad wasn't too harsh on you,’ Sunny interjected with a wink. 

A pigeon flapped onto the table and snagged PJ’s doughnut.

‘Yeah, I guess you could say that. I'm doing community service.’

Noodle knew that General Potter had probably killed multiple men throughout his life. He was boundlessly ruthless, but perhaps the novelty of seeing his daughter’s boyfriend and Noodle, grinning like idiots, running down the pasta-soaked streets together, had hit the sweet inner depths of a place, a place deep down, cocooned in the strict insistences demanded of the system facilitating his cool title.

Or maybe it was all the money he paid them.

PJ wrestled fervently with the bird. Kacy joined in by wrestling PJ away from the bird. Noodle stopped to turn towards them.

‘I uh...Yeah... he said he understood why I would be compelled to… take over the world with noodles, but I still have to show I've changed.’ He leaned over. ‘He was also a bit of a bumptious twat’ he whispered in Parappa’s ear, making him giggle.

‘Anyway, he didn't get any surveillance guys on me because he said it would make me more paranoid’. He hastily spits out the last lines. He knew was finely coasting the energies between the eccentric friend and the weird loner, and a man like him had to be wary on how much information he relayed, lest perchance it were socially unacceptable, and he’d be knocked again into the suffocating ocean of isolation. 

‘No shit I’d have trouble making friends with an FBI agent staring me down 2-4 metres away.’ 

Parappa took note of nothing except the swear words, which were sure to spice up his raps.

‘Hey that's okay, if you ever need- oh look here’s Joe’ Sunny said, and quickly pecked Parappa’s cheek as he started to noticeably droop. He perked back up when her lips met his face.

‘Salutations, fine ladies and gentleman, it is I! Joe Chin! I do believe you have all been expecting me!

PJ fell onto the floor, freed from the pigeon and Katy’s grip. He passed not a glance at Joe.

‘That was a cinch.’ he said

He ate the relatively intact donut.

‘Joe...?’ Noodle looked up to see the blond, tall hound saunter into the place, he was built like a tangible god, with the youthful exuberance of a schoolboy, and the bastatious pompadour of a businessman.

‘Did one of you ladies say ‘service’?’

Noodle raised a reluctant hand. ‘T-that was me… a minute ago. How did you hear me?’ 

‘Oh, I was just standing on by in the outside bathroom, in any case a trouble were to occur.’

_What an odd man,_ he thought.

‘Hi _Joe_ , Parappa said. ‘This is Colonel Noodle. He was the one to get us the stage to perform’

Joe bent over to Noodle. ‘What a fine gentleman you are, to have got a stage for my party all for me! It was a very worthy tribute to my likeness! And you, Parappa, old sport, put on a mighty performance for me. I was honoured! Though of course, I am honoured everyday... by people all over the world!’ 

He leans in, oblivious to the faces dropping one by one. ‘You see, there was this one time when, after travelling the great seven seas, and subsequently, the eight wonders of the world…’

‘There he goes again’

Everyone fled the premises except Colonel Noodle. He was too busy looking, quite entranced, into Joe’s nipples, which were, quite marvellously, flexing in sync with his jaw movements. 

Much unware, the man spouted his grand diatribe.

‘...And that's the story of how I beat up two nasty crooks out of this fellow old town. What do you reckon?’

Noodle, phasing slowly out of his realm of nipple staring consciousness, awoke to Joe Chin flexing his muscles intimidatingly.

‘Well that was a fine outing, wasn't it... what was your name again?’

Oh no… ...oh yes. Introduction was everything, and now he had another shot. He knew who he was, a great master, rebirthed from the shattered vicissitude of wimp-nerdydom. He had single handedly near-conquered the world with an army and tanks of his own making that could stand against even the real military. He had gotten so far, that even his own failure was more of a revelation-culmination of the most eclectic showdown in history against the most prolific rapper in the state. Yes, he knew… he just had to believe!

‘Ha! I am none other than Colonel Noodle! Noodle connoisseur, multi-talented genius extraordinaire, and former Rodney state overlord!'

Joe, for a split second processed this, then declared, ‘Well, I am Joseph Jay Montgomery Harold Chin The Third! Explorator, orator, founder of the famous Chin company, exceller in all subjects, doer of good, upholder of justice, and spanner of multiple landmasses in search of a worthy opponent!’

He grinned, and slapped Noodle heartily on the back. 

Noodle realised he had made it, he had done it, his prowess was immeasurable.

‘Have I shown you my car yet?’ 

’...No’

‘ well come on, let's go and see it!'

Joe grabbed and walked him over to where it was parked literal inches from where they sat. 

‘This is the Chinmobile! It is the biggest, longest, ‘phattest’ car in all of existence! It has a top speed attuned to the most incomprensible number, even trying to process it gives one a stroke! The engine is made of pure chromium, and each tire plate a platinum finish... 

‘He really does go on,’ Noodle thought as Joe gave him a walk through tour of the car.. Who was this guy, and why did he assume he gave a shit about his car? He knew what he really wanted.

‘Yeah ok but can I ride it?’ he said.

‘Most certainly!

‘Since it's just you and me, we can both ride in the... front?'

‘Haha- no, the back! ...there's a hot tub there!’

And well enough there was.

‘B-But who's going to drive?’ Noodle asked, concerned.

Simple, autopilot! My car has the most hi-tech autopilot technology in the land... Now hop in!’ Joe said, barging his way to the front and climbing atop the car. 

The very end of the car had two seats where the exhaust pipes were inexplicably placed. In front of those pipes was a steaming hot jacuzzi, hopefully powered by the heat from the exhaust pipes and maybe an extra generator.

‘Efficient...’ Colonel Noodle said, feeling the sleek sheen of the car’s outer furnishing.

‘You like it? I just got it waxed yesterday. I never miss a day where I don't take Carla to the waxing parlour, she can get quite a bit scuffed sometimes.’

‘Uh huh,’ Noodle said, grinning and shaking his head to himself at the car's name.

Joe, perched above the tub, made as if to dive in, then Noodle realised. He looked on in horror, ...and a slight tinge of anticipation.

Joe unbuttoned and flung his jeans to the side, revealing his bone-print swimming boxers.

Noodle relaxed.

  
  


Noodle tensed up.

  
  


Joe took off his shirt.

  
  


Noodle was sweating. What was this man's intentions, why was he so buff, and why, why was his chest so… smooth?

‘Ahh’ Joe said, submerging himself in the water. ’Now you’

Smooth like his own chest.

Noodle gulped. Ignoring the fact that his eyes were magnetised to Joe’s chest and pecs, he only enjoyed looking at men’s lustuous landscapes for their intimate beauty, like how an art lover would go to see paintings. He had no sexual desire, except perhaps for noodles. What was he going to tell Joe if things went down the lane, so to speak?

’I don't have any…’

‘Just wear your boxers, I'm about to start the car, my friend.’

Was he even aware?

‘Oh ah um-’

Joe pressed some buttons on a retractable panel.

Noodle stared at Joe.

‘Ok, off we go’ he said, and though he merely pressed an automatic button to shift the car into gear, as the car gave a small lurch in anticipation, the way the car shot off, pulled him forward with such thrust he could feel his eyes burrow into their sockets.

Crash!

The car swerved into the donut cafe.

Splash!

Noodle was sent over the edge of the tub, he banged his jaw on impact.

‘Wear your seatbelt next time!’

Debris blasted out from behind the crumpled car rear, and they were off again.

‘Did you just crash the car?’

‘Never worry, I'll pay for the damage, both mine and old Don’s.’

He flipped on the radio and sped off, rock music blasting from the built in subwoofers.

‘I will sue you to death!’ Don Donut the donut don’s voice shouted into oblivion, under the rubble disappearing from Noodle’s distance.

They sped into the horizon. The colorful buildings sped by his vision so fast it looked like a tunnel of kaleidoscope, Pinwheeling into the red sun.

A man prone to carsickness, he had to look out the window. However, breeze storming over him in the open roof, he turned to Joe, seeking a refuge from the motion sickness.

The car stopped.

‘We’re here, that was great fun wasn't it?’

‘Yes.’ Noodle took his clothes out of the car seats and put them back on. Joe, clothes slung around his neck like a boxer’s towel, intending to put them back on.

‘I told you Carla could go light speed!’

Noodle saw where they had stopped.

‘The Chin manor!’

It was the size of an airport. You could play golf on the front patio, which was studded with a path of gold statues either side. Then, a staircase, so grand it may have been to heaven. He counted 100 steps. 

Joe led him up, a knowing grin on his face.

The doors, the height of a hundred men and gilded to oblivion, opened to a new kingdom, a new world this man and his arguably cool upside-down house wedged between flat blocks had never known. 

Two staircases intertwined behind a fountain, a gold idol of presumably Joe himself, spouting water into the pool below.

Joe sauntered past all this, casual.

They went up the stairs and stopped at a tall single door.

‘My room!’ He flung it open.

It was ten times as big as his own house, filled with all sorts of expensive furniture, paintings, statues, and a 6900 inch plasma cinema curved HD 8D TV screen the height of 6 double decker buses, but his eyes skimmed over all of this to focus on the immense racing car 4-poster bed in front of a skyscraping bookshelf that took up the entire wall. As he walked closer he realised they were all Jet Baby comics.

‘Wow, you have all the volumes?’ he said, plonking down onto Joe’s bed and thumbing through a copy.

‘Yes, why in fact, every last one of my birthdays, on top of being very expensive, have been jet baby themed. Why, I remember like it was yesterday, I received all the props and costumes and actors themselves used in the latest movie, Jet Baby vs Superman, Dawn of Jetstice. Not to mention I played superman. I had so much Jet Baby merch I could fill a museum. So I did. And then I sold it. For the good of the people. I never had to worry though, my friend, I already have all the Jet Baby knowledge up here, in my magnificent cranium. You see, the history of Jet Baby is very rich. It all started when…’

_Crikey. And I thought I was the biggest weirdo nerd at the height of my_ noodle _phase..._ Noodle thought as he kicked his legs against the edge of the bed.

Come to think of it, the peak of his noodle phase was the peak of his success, how could he ever impress this guy, rolling in gold, careening in cars, golfing on the patio, probably...

‘I was a hero once.’

Joe finally piped up.

‘A misguided hero… some may even call that a villain.’

Joe craned his head over to read Noodle’s comic.

‘It all started when I killed a man’

Joe’s eyes widened. His fight or flight put Noodle in headlock. ‘You didn’t! Tell me you didn’t!'

‘I was just kidding! That got your attention, didn’t it?’ Noodle choked.

He revelled in his captivating storytelling techniques.

‘You see, I had the great idea to show everyone the beauty of noodles…’

Joe Chin butted in.

‘Dear me, you do know I was out there at the time? On those same noodle-strewn streets you attacked... In the solemn solace of my deep heart I have silently forgiven you, noodles is a most delectable culinary achievement, and you see...l … I really darn well love noodles too.’

Noodle lay back, heart buzzing. He was at peace with the world, this was all he needed.

‘Dear Noodle! Do you see what this means? I too was... am! The greatest hero ever to live! I have helped countless human lives, beaten every crook senseless with purely my wit and intelligence, and, not to mention, my impressively yieldy physical fitness. Feel my muscles.’

Noodle, though he had his conversation snagged from him, was simply honoured by this request. He reached out, like a loving mum would reach out to knead a pastry. 

‘Ooh , wow, so strong...’

He thought back to Joe’s smooth smooth chest, so broad and smooth he could probably have a good skate on it. ‘Hey, Joe? You must have some really nice abs, with all that physical fitness. Perhaps, could I…?

He was achingly aware of his request. Would Joe be too?

He liked the intimacy of skin against skin, hands against pecs, he did not want anything else. He knew that the human body was constantly shedding tiny tiny skin cells that formed the dust in this very atmosphere, and perhaps, if he were to traverse every plain and valley of this man's beautiful body, it would be left coated in the intimate seasoning of his skin cell snow.

‘Oh Shit’ He thought. ‘Is this what years of loneliness has driven a man to envision? Fuck.’

Joe looked at him awhile, then, with a friendly grin, he lifted his shirt up. 

The abs were lonesomely shadowed by the rim of his shirt, tugged away only slightly from the skin.

‘Hmm... I can't see. I think you may need to lift it up a little more. Hmm, little more.. little more, nope not yet, just a little more...’ 

Joe lifted his shirt up over his shoulders. It landed with a soft flop onto the bed.

‘Perfect.’ Noodle said, slathering his hands over his juicy abs, quickly moving towards his firm pecs. 

He let his fingers glide over his chest like little skaters.

He sighed blissfully.

‘Oh! That reminds me! It's 5:00, time for my reps.. And study time!’ Joe said as he began lifting his dumbbells.

‘One..two…straight A’s every semester. ...Three…four…the chin technique has never once failed me...five...six...’

‘What school do you go to?’

‘Oh, school? Seven… eight... I dropped out so I could uphold the family business, this is just how I like to keep my mind supple...forty-two, forty-three…’ He said, reaching for his physics textbook with his spare hand.

.

Noodle stopped feeling his pecs for a sec.

‘I'm running a family business too, but I was never that good in school…’

He dragged his hands up his body to rest on his shoulders…

‘Why.. If I'm being honest.. I don't think I had too many friends. Maybe the loneliness dragged down my grades. You...you can do all these things, you know how that makes me feel?’

Joe’s eyes drifted down from his pumping arm to Noodle’s face, slowing his reps to a stop. The air was thick and humid.

Joe kissed Noodle.

Full on the lips, grabbing him towards him by each cheek. His firm, manly lip pressure drove Noodle into an overdrive of upside-down, outer-bounds re-evaluation of his life. 

He pulled away, grinning like an honest carpenter would when standing back to admire his handiwork. Stunned and silent was Noodle

‘Chin fraternal kiss… the manliest kiss a man could bestow upon another…’

Joe beamed.

Noodle collapsed into Joe’s arms.

‘...Oh gracious, it is getting rather late. Are you in any need to get back?’

Noodle looked up. ‘My dad’s dead and my mum’s a burger.’

‘So i'm assuming, you'd like to stay’

‘Yes… oh yes...’

‘Oh, what fun! what should we do?’

‘We could get Chinese, we could play Food Court, why, we could even watch Jet Baby!

One thing first though,’

Noodle kissed Joe, this time voraciously frenching him.

Joe gave in, attempting to tongue dom Noodle.

After a good minute, they pulled away.

‘Well, golly.’

‘That was the Omohiyama fraternal kiss...of companionship…’

Well it was indeed companionful, I may be well inclined to perceive our companionship- between a man and a man, sits atop the mightiest of summits, for, I find in you quite unlikely fulfillment, that not even my life savings, my salary and my parent’s inheritance money put together could fill.’

‘So, you wanna go watch Jet Baby?’

‘Yes, yes, but first… let us stay here awhile longer.’

Arm in arm they sat on the racecar bed, thoughts drifting in each of their minds.

_Oh, if tomorrow comes too fast, or perhaps sluggish and slow. All the same. In a heartbeat, I'd do it all over again._

**Author's Note:**

> -Chinese  
> -Chinese  
> -Chinese or Chinese  
> -anything goes even Chinese  
> (Beta trades are open!)


End file.
